another nerdy perspective on a social situation

last night my brother nick and i went to a college youth group type thing. we had a mini-sermon, and then we broke up into little groups to discuss and pray for each other, and then had cookies and coffee. it was at a local church that we've been around for years, so we know a lot of people that go there. when he asked me to come, i thought, hey, maybe i'll see my dear old high school friend betsy.

nope.

betsy wasn't there, but there was no shortage of familliar high school faces around the circle. the guy leading worship was none other than the snobby musician guy i had class with for about ten years. he is good-looking and knows it, and i don't think he's said more than twelve words to me his whole life, just because he didn't have to.

another guy, this one nice, that i had a crush on for half of high school. another guy, a snob this time, who used to be my friend before he became cool. a girl who was my friend in high school that i haven't seen or spoken to in years. one of my former high school teachers. a girl i knew from theater. i recognized almost every face. why did i come here, i thought.

i hated high school. i went to a private school and some of my classmates were with me since second grade. that's nice if you're friends with all of them, sucky if you're that one kid that everyone teased. yup, that was me. i never got to grow out of it. when i went away to college, where no one knew me, i actually got to be myself and have fun and make real friends, because there was no one standing in the backround saying, "remember elementary school when she was dumb?" so now, when i come back to the high school scene, that stupiduglyannoyingnerdygirl feeling comes back and turns my insides to rot. i hate it. they trated me like dirt for so long that now it's automatic. i always feel too tall, too weird, like my clothes don't fit and i have stuff on my face.

that part sucked. but when the cookies came out, and the coffee was poured and my good friend al walked in the door, things got better. i'd forgotten how much my friend sonja and i have in common, and how nerdy she is, too. that was a nice surprize. my brother's friends are funny and cool (in that geeky way that i appriciate so) and we had fun talking about old times. we ended up renting a movie and taking it back to my house, waking up my little sister and teasing her about being in school already.

that was fun... but i will think twice before following my brother out the door again.