Friday, June 17, 2005

but break, my heart

sometimes you’ve got to wonder about the wisdom of ol’ bill shakespeare. take young prince hamlet, for example. in his first soliloquy, hamlet describes all the torment he’s going through; his father died, his uncle married his mom, and he feels like his family is falling apart. he ends with the ever-famous, “but break, my heart, for i must hold my tongue.” in this case, it seems that bill is saying that it’s better to keep your mouth shut and suffer than let your emotions out. i’d have to disagree. from experience, my friend.

i’ve found myself in a similar situation as hamlet. no, my mom and my uncle will certainly never get married, and my dad has not been murdered, thank heaven, but i am faced with the decision to either call someone up and maybe feel a little bit better, or keep quiet and let my heart keep breaking. the keeping quiet carries even further, since whenever someone asks me how i'm doing i answer, "i'm fine" or "pretty good" or even "not bad. " so far, i’m holding my tongue like a pro, just as shakespeare suggests.

but how long is this going to keep up? i've gone from seeing or talking to the same person every day, several times a day, to absolutely no contact at all for five weeks now. it's a huge change. it's like not having a house anymore. it's like i don’t have anywhere to go at the end of the day. it sucks a lot more than i could ever describe.

i would much rather loose my tongue than break my heart. i don’t know what shakespeare was getting at, but having a broken heart is one of the worst experiences ever. EVER. but that’s exactly what i have to endure in this situation. i know he doesn’t want to hear from me, so, paraphrased, i tell myself:

“but break, my heart;
suffer, my soul;
lie, my mouth;
hide, my face;
for i must hold everything inside.”

sorry if i got a little poetic on you. thinking about shakespeare and love will do that to a person.

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