Friday, April 02, 2004

now it is an ugly day

okay, here's the deal with me. i'm obsessed about records. like keeping records and setting records and breaking my own records. if i can go four and a half days without eating at the cafeteria, i'm all for it. if i can do three days without sleep, heck yeah! it's hard-core to have outrageous records. i have never been skiing in my life. i take great pride in telling people i have never been bowling. i have had ample opportunities to go bowling, but i never have, because if i did, i couldn't say that i'd never been bowling anymore. my record of twenty years, four monhs and a few weeks of not bowling will be spoiled and i'll have to start over. it's not because i'm deprived. it's becasue i'm obsessed with records. i've never done my laundry on campus or gone to the el camino family restaurant or visited the school's famous mineral museum. just to say i've never done it. it's completely irrational.
so does that mean just because i've never had a boyfriend, i'm going to want to keep that record going too? i've never had my heart broken by a guy. why should i stop that trend now? and just because i've always gotten along with a friend and never had any kind of disagreement with him, is that a good reason for me to NOT tell him that he's bugging me? because it will break our otherwise-spotless relationship record?
i'm really confused right now. i've broken records that i didn't want to break. i've set new records, too. i dealt with things badly and caused a friend that i care about to not talk to me for several days in a row... another broken record. i think i'm fast on the road to doing other things i've never done before, and i don't like it.
i keep telling myself i'm just in a bad mood. i'll feel better about things later when everything gets back to normal. but i think i'm kidding myself. things aren't going to get back to normal.
i should have listened.

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