a sinic

you’ve definitely seen them or heard them… maybe you are one yourself. you know who i mean. the women, young and old, that hate valentine’s day.

i’m not here to question motives. people have their own reasons for feeling a certain way. personally, i’ve never hated valentine’s day or felt bitter or even been abnormally lonely, in spite of the fact that i haven’t had a boyfriend before this year. i always had a guy that i admired from afar, but no romance. i suppose my experience for comparison is somewhat limited, but thus far, valentine’s day without a boyfriend was a whole lot more fun. in fact, this valentine’s day has been the worst i think i’ve ever had. and now, when i actually have a valentine, i’m relating to the masses… this day really does suck.

what exactly is the point of valentine’s day anyway? is it to make someone feel special? is it to make someone feel loved?

last night i took mike out on an $80 date. i’d been asking him for a while what i should get him for valentine’s day, and he kept saying food. and boy, did i bring the food. i was really proud of myself. i took him to albuquerque, to a fancy brazillian restaurant that serves huge chunks of meat, and then to a movie. i even dressed up all nice and drove. mike fell asleep on the way home. i was really proud of myself.

then came today.

i saw mike even less today than on a normal day. we have a class together, so i saw him then. i study with josh, and mike studies with kat, josh’s girlfriend. today all four of us were studying in the library, but MEs in one room and CEs in the other. they stopped by our room to say hi. actually, kat said hi, mike just stood there until i said hi to him. that was all i saw of him today. i talked to him on the phone twice… both times i called him, and nothing romantic was said.

when i got home from studying after a very long, lonely valentine’s day, there was a box of fruit snacks on my bed. the really gross, generic kind that people only buy if they have themed shapes (i tried some… i won’t try any more). next to it was a card that was meant for a four-year-old… i know because i got them when i was four. plus a frame with a picture of us inside that is mine anyway, mike’s just kept it in his room for the last month. so is it like, happy valentine’s day, here’s your stuff back? that’s great. it was worse than getting nothing.

i suppose the conclusion is that valentine’s day is better when you’re not expecting anything. i don’t think i was expecting like a grand ol’ present or anything, but it would have been nice to hang out with him, or get a note from him that had more than one sentence, or even talk to him. i don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect that valentine’s day will be more eventful when you have a boyfriend than when you don’t. even last year when we weren’t together he gave me a rose.

should i be upset here? am i just being stupid? i feel like a big baby, but i also feel really disappointed. bottom line: i don’t feel special and i don’t feel loved. and valentine’s day sucks.